bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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