Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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