My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
