If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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