she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
we should paint friendship bongs
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
