She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
