But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Enjoy the penises
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize