I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
