Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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