TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I love having hate sex.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Randomize
