Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
bring money and cleavage
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
