Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
