My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
