Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
