I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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