have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
