Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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