I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
