True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Couch. On fire.
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