he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
