Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
