Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
