Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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