so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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