I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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