The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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