Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
