Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
