I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
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