wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
