You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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