she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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