OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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