Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
