you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
