Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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