It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
