I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
