Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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