You don't have asthma, your pregnant
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
