I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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