she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
