I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
