So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
