the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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