I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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