i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
