party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
