I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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