I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
