Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
