how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
