im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I love having hate sex.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
