it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
