Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
