How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
