There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
