Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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