I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You were trust falling into bushes
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
