im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
