so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
