dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
