If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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