I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
