I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
