i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
