He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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