my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
why do cheetos always look like penises
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize