Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
