I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
